her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
