yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
she was so not down for the gang bang
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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