Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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