I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
