So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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