Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
