Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
