u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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