Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
