my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
