In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
