I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Randomize
