I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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