So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
The convent might be a nice break from real life
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
