So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
