He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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