I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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