All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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