im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
