I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
