I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
