What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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