she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
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