i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
my shit smells like andre
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
