I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
