I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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