so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Randomize
