He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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