my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
