I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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