So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
