Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
