and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Randomize
