it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
