Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
