im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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