you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
