I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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