I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
