I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
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