I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
