I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
