An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
