Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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