And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
