If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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