Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
