dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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