At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Randomize
