The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
