my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
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