Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
