i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
