My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
My bed smells like the plague
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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