The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
